Not Founded

September 20, 2020

Is it because the ego cannot bear to hear: extinction

The psychiatric guys’ surmise tempts me so subtilely?

When joy is low and enter terrible gremlins

Knock, knock, raiding the mental sap, hallooing, mowing

Tired and dejected, full to the gills unworthy

One’s thought and so one’s sense of self unravelled

Aching and reaching for that safe shore; that absolute

Strong truss of trust that says, all will be well

All will be well

Mind’s speaking seeking round for rest to set a hope on

A table where a knee can offer to The Lord crass care;

But it’s not there. The presence left, absented

Or not being pursued? And thirst gone, want bereaved

Strayed to a mood’s disputed regions, thoughts pile up

Doubts build on doubts; all things seem dull; run out

At times my strength fails, climbs into its grave

And I would go, I have no reasons so

It seems, to stay; not for one day or hour, even

Though my obliged support attends others’ dependencies

I should not go for their sakes; and besides my life

Is not my own – it is a crown laid on me

That’s duty; and even applies when life has lost its beauty

For a day or hours

The hour hangs on me, turns my head to look at nothings

I cannot see my Maker or my heart can’t be there

Aware, receptive; it’s disconnected from a whole world’s vibrancy

And I don’t care, but do care, though a damp’s on me

A there’s-nowhere-to-go feeling; validity

Expended, spent, and nothing feels or counts

So there’s the wait, the marking time, the solo

Going through routines that lay the lines to keep along

And more than half unstrung, just hanging in and being

Here waiting, sorrily waiting, to be better placed. Amen